Nothing. Nothing ever felt as remotely hurtful as those words you thoughtlessly said. You might think that I went on to curse you after I locked myself inside the room. I went behind the doors because that was the only stupid way I know that could prevent those words from reaching me. I’ve surrendered to the fact that it’s impossible to have a rational conversation with you because all that you can ever say is based on the biased emotions you feel in the heat of the moment.

I’ve lost count of the nights that ended like this one today…Nights that don’t make me wish for death, nights that make me wish I wasn’t born in the first place.

Day out night out

Yo I’m back. Finally met up with Jolyn, Ying and Mich ytd after like 1 year?? We went to cq to have some dim sum at a restaurant called xinyue. Their dim sum is so freaking delicious?!?! And it’s super worth our money since we bought the groupon for it. Each of us ended up paying $14 for high quality food when the actual total bill came up to $94 hehe. The cheapo auntie in me feels extremely satisfied. We then walked around and chatted. As usual, I feel super at ease when I’m with them but omg I miss them so muchhh. I might not show it but I really do miss the times when we met each other every single day in school hahah. When it was time to leave, 心里有许多不舍, still wanna sit by the river side and chill with them. Hope we can meet up soon.

Anyway, I went to an alcohol buffet later in the night. It was cool but service was slow. They were extremely short staffed. Not the best dining experience but it was made up with good company.

Also, yesterday was my last zouk session before I forgo any sort of nightlife and get down to work. Rishabh and I had fun there but the crowd wasn’t as enthusiastic as expected. Most of the people were just nodding to the music and not really dancing. They didn’t even bother raising their hands when the beat was going to drop haiz.
Despite that, Rishabh and I danced like it was our last night on earth haha. We jumped onto platforms and danced while others looked (or stared) at us. We also went to Velvet Underground and danced like stupid fools. At one point in time in Velvet Underground, the crowd dispersed and everyone just stood along the sides while Rishabh, me and another cool looking girl danced to the music. It was embarrassing, scary yet fun at the same time.
While I was dancing, I didn’t really have to care about guys trying to hit on me since I was wearing a denim shirt, shorts and sneakers. I KNOW. Everyone must be thinking I’m crazy to wear that to a club but it was an impromptu decision whoops. Anyway, since my attire basically screams ‘Idgaf about boys!’ compared to girls wearing bandage skirts and all, I can dance and drink comfortably.
Talking about drinks, we order this cool drink called Lamborghini after watching some girls drink it. That shit is potent man but y’all should really try it. It makes you feel like a badass hahaha
Anyway, I crashed at rishabh’s dorm after the night ended. Twas was a great day.

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Tryna act drunk

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Failures

Failure is not an easy thing to accept let alone embrace. It was especially hard for me when I was in pri/sec school as I had very high expectations for myself then. However, throughout the tiring period of Sec2-Jc2, the experience of being slapped in the face by countless number of failures has made me numb. Now, I’ve learnt to  have no expectations of myself so that experiencing failure doesn’t sting as much.

Having said that, there are still occurences which makes me feel like a total loser. A splendid example would be this week. This week had been torturous, I flunked two major exams on separate days and I stress ‘MAJOR’.
I’m honestly starting to doubt myself after this week. My attitude, capabilities, intelligence…are they all inferior to others? If not then why can’t I accomplish the task that seems so easy to others?

Okay I just realised that I instinctively compared myself to others. I should probably stop doing that. I just feel very disappointed in myself.

‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ -Theodore Roosevelt.
Something to keep in mind.

I need something interesting in my life now asap. Right now, I feel like I’m just going through the motions of life and not experiencing it… nothing in particular makes me happy, neither are there things that cause me to feel sad. It makes me kind of miss going to school since I get varied emotions as I go about doing daily activities…hmmm I really don’t know what to do with myself.

Music and thoughts

Somebody buy me their album please😦 It’s so hard to resist the temptation to buy when I’m trying to save money for the Taiwan trip :((

Going back to the good old days when boy bands like FOB, MCR, Secondhand serenade, TDCC etc were the epitome of music. Listening to their albums brought back a lot of past memories, especially A Twist In My Story. Fuck, memories from 7 years ago also can remember.

Veering totally off the topic of music, I saw this article a few days ago.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/laura-jane-williams/2015/02/i-flew-halfway-across-the-world-to-tell-a-man-i-loved-him/

“I’m writing this down now to say, to you: be brave. Say how you feel. Speak up. That person you are thinking of as you read this? Call them. Write them. Visit them. Make it happen. You can wonder, or you can know. Offer your love. Your respect. Your admiration. Thoughts whispered out loud become truths. Feelings shouted louder become empowerment.”

You know how people always have some sort of motto in their life. I decided I should have one too (copycat only), so that I have some form of direction. I decided that mine was to make sure I did the things that I know I will come to regret if I didn’t do it.

Examples?

You want to climb that bloody fence, and act like a badass kid? Do it.

You want to confess to a guy you like but you’re full of uncertainties PLUS you are a girl so DIE also cannot say first? Fuck you, do it.

You want to punch that bastard who’s been making your friend feel less than who she is? You know you need to do it even if you’re the one who ends up with a broken nose.

You feel like flying half way across the world to tell a man you loved him? Do it lah, who’s stopping you sia.

Bottom line is, being irrational, to me, is not a bad attribute. I don’t want to grow up thinking “Oh how I wish I had the courage to do it when I had the chance to.” which is also aka REGRETTING.

I’ve said my piece, now let me get back to listening FOB.

What I think of my classmates

I’ve been wondering what kind of content I should blog about for this post. There isn’t much to say about my life as of now since I’m working all day everyday in this cubicle (of which half the time was spent using my phone and reading CNN articles). Just like what Shirlynn said, 这里是闷到连苍蝇也没得打.
So this time round, I’ll be writing a list of personal thoughts about each and every classmate in 13S48 that I had the pleasure of interacting with for the past 2 years. I won’t state names but I will state their gender. I hope I can still remember who I’m talking about 10 years from now haha. Here goes.
Girl #1
I admire her tenacity when the odds are stacked against her. Even though it might not be obvious, I’ve see instances that show how determined she can be so that shit gets done (econs lessons -.-). She is a strong individual, appreciates those around her and is a good sister.
Girl #2
She’s really easy to get along because of her friendly disposition. She doesn’t attract much trouble to herself but those who are close to her seems to always get into messy and gossip worthy situations haha. She always says that she’s stupid but imo, she soaks up info really fast so people would be the stupid ones to underestimate her.
Girl #3
First impression: Boring. Later I realise that she’s a fun person to converse with. She gives funny comments and talks about her lofty dreams every so often. I’m pretty sure she’ll make it big when she grows up.
Girl #4
This girl can sometimes be overbearing to the point that makes my blood boils. Even if I tell her off she probably won’t realise what she did wrong. She’s very opinionated and always think that she’s right. However, we’re contantly on the same wavelength and her presence makes my day less stressful since she’s fun to be around with.
Girl #5
I’ve seen different sides of her that are quite contrasting. Out of all of that, I admire how she doesn’t bad-mouth a person who’s hated by everyone else, is nice to those whom she cares for and gives zero fucks for those who annoys her.
Girl #6
This girl hides her thoughts really well and can appear to be an easy-going person.That doesn’t mean she’s dangerous or two-faced because she really is an out-going person. I think she’s more of a private extrovert I guess.
Girl #7
There shouldn’t be anything bad happening to this girl since she prolly gathered a whole lifetime of good karma. Super polite, helpful and responsible. (and also very easy to guess who she is)
Girl #8
This girl and I have this strange level of understanding between each other. I can’t put my finger on what it is but when we have a conversation, she gives mature and insightful thoughts and I really respect that. She’s also very sensitive towards people around her. It’s a real pity that we don’t talk to each other as often in school.
Girl #9
It’s very hard to talk to this girl because her way of communicating is vastly different from others. Sometimes I feel offended by her comments about my friends and I but I guess they’re all just bad delivered jokes. Nontheless, she’s still a good person.
Girl #10
I’ll be the first to admit that the bad blood between this girl and I is wholly my own fault. I’m thankful for that because it made me more mature and more aware of my actions and its consequences. For the past two years, I couldn’t really talk to her because she reminds me of how mean I was and that made me really guilty.
Girl #11
She’s very competitive but other than that, she has an amiable and endearing personality. That’s assuming if I’d gotten to know her better. I wished I had more to talk about her but I really don’t have any haha.
Guy #1
He blurs the line of being egoistic and being confident which is why he can be fun to hang out with. He’s prolly one of the lazier pricks in class (including myself) and he is super judgemental. He’s also the one that subtly influenced me to mix up my personal pronouns ( he&she etc.)
Guy #2
I tried to understand this guy, I really did. I told someone in the class that he seems like a complex person but she said that he’s actually quite simple-minded. There are many times when I feel that he is thinking much deeper than what he’s saying and I wanted to try and understand him (cue kaypoh). But one day I caught myself and decided to stop trying.
Guy #3
It’s inevitable that people change. I don’t think I did in the period that we were friends but he did and I kind of came to terms with it.
Guy #4
It always tickles me how awkward he is to almost everyone in the class. When you talk to him, he gives the most retarded replies and comments. So much so that you want laugh and strangle him at the same time. He’s a good guy nonetheless.
Guy #5
It’s always fun when I’m around this dude. We have different personalities and backgrounds but both of us are stupidly childish. I like that he can be real when we’re around each other, talking shit about people and lamenting how life always suck for us. Sometimes, I feel really lucky to have him as a friend because he’s a great person, intelligent yet humble at the same time.
Guy #6
I told my senior, “I would have really liked him if he was taller.” Pardon me for my superficial comment but to be honest, this guy has qualities that I like in a guy. Funny, witty and takes everything in stride. When I’m lucky enough to see him in a serious mode, he gives thought-provoking comments that really surprises me and it showed me that he’s not just all fun and games.
Guy #7
Our personlities fit like two neighbouring puzzle pieces. But then again, he’s a social butterfly so his puzzle piece probably has a lot of sides that fits to other people as well haha. Overall, he’s just a super nice guy la nuff said. I personally think he’s very adaptable and mature, that’s why it’s super comfortable to have h2h talk with him.
Guy #8
This guy is really one of a kind. I’ve never seen this kind of enthusiastic personality before. He can be quite an airhead sometimes but other times he can be sensitive towards his friends. Super gentleman also. I hope he gets a girlfriend, then I can grill him and see him getting awkward haha.
Guy #9
I think this guy is being misunderstood by some people in the class. He’s actually very nice and a good person to have a conversation with. There was this one time when he took initiative and tap my back to talk to me even though we weren’t even that close. I was pleasantly surprised because if the roles were reversed, I would not have approached him and purposely walk slower.
Guy #10
Nothing to talk about this guy. It’s a privilege that i typed 17 words about him here.
Guy #11
He can be racist and judgemental but it’s all in good fun. He can be overy self-critical but that is probably what will make him succeed. Sometimes I feel like he needs to take a chill pill because he’s like a typical Singaporean, damn kiasi. But he’s super generous and helpful to his friends so I quite lucky la haha
Guy #12
Ummm this guy is like a typical guy I guess? He can be quite rude. There was this one time when a classmate was down for GP remedial and he said, “Who the hell goes for GP remedials.” Even though it wasn’t me, I felt insulted.

That’s the end of it! Whew. Thanks to all these people, I had a shitload of fun in school. Hope we can still get together once in a while when we’re adults. Sighpie. Hope la okay, hope.